Hayjax is in Nottingham

This is what happens when you drop a Canadian into the East Midlands.

Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Marmite cheese is wrong

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Ew.

Written by Hayden

February 28, 2010 at 11:08 pm

Posted in All posts, Food

Virtual Marmite

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Dear English people with iPhones,

Just wanted to let you know that if you’re looking for a virtual iPhone toast-making app that comes pre-loaded with a Marmite option, More Toast has you covered.

That is all.

Written by Hayden

December 12, 2009 at 11:28 pm

Posted in All posts, Food

Great roast ox flavour with no messy fire pit to wash up

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Sure, roast ox is tasty, but it’s such a bother to prepare, what with dragging the clubbed carcass all the way to the cave, building a vast pit of open flame to roast it on, hoisting it onto the spit and finding five burly, flameproof men to turn it until it’s crisp and crackly.

That’s why it’s so refreshing to find roast ox flavour in convenient chip format or, pardon me, “crisps.”

 

I think we can all agree that this pack of chips proves English people are nutty, and it’s a scary window into their deep, dark fantasies about being red-blooded, chest-beating warriors. Sad, given that really they’re mostly pale, sheltered cubicle jockeys who couldn’t wrest a nut from a squirrel without some serious backup.

I officially call shenanigans on this mostly because I don’t believe there are three people on the planet today who can speak to what roast ox actually tastes like, and they can’t tell us because they’re frozen deep in a prehistoric ice floe.  This is for all intents and purposes a totally imaginary flavour, like “cajun unicorn” or “mastadon n’ chive.”

Written by Hayden

November 20, 2009 at 5:16 pm

Posted in All posts, Food

Mr. Brain’s Freedom Balls

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Mr. Brain's Faggots

Remember when “French” was a bad word and America renamed French fries “freedom fries?” I would like to suggest that the English do a similar rebrand of that popular national meatball treat known as the faggot. Can we agree to call them “freedom balls” or something? Usually I’m a fan of countries that stand up to North American cultural hegemony and go their own damn way, but I think sometimes you have to admit when it’s time to catch up with the world and limit your exposure to ridicule.

Otherwise, stuff like this Mr. Brain’s Faggots commercial happens.

Written by Hayden

November 10, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Posted in All posts, Food, Language

A cheese called Yarg

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yarg

Yarg, a cheese that is apparently less silly than Muenster

 

The only thing funnier than a cheese called Yarg is the look on the cheese vendor’s face when I asked whether they had Muenster.  She squinted at me like Ashton Kutcher was going to jump out of my shopping bag and yell, “Punk’d!”  Cheese lady, if you’re going to sell Yarg with a straight face, I should be able to ask you whether you have Snuffleupagus on toast points and not get any guff.

 

Educational component: apparently Yarg is a cow’s-milk cheese, made in very small batches in Cornwall.  It’s wrapped in nettles, which moulder to form an edible rind.

Written by Hayden

November 4, 2009 at 11:08 pm

Posted in All posts, Food